I’m just mulling over how we communicate that awful gut wrenching parting of our loved ones and been giving the terminology of death a closer examination of late and find it’s quite interesting how hard it is to say “ They died” or “They are dead”. To me, it feels almost brutal and such a harsh, but true, statement of fact. Instead, we seem to say we lost “them” or we suffered a loss, which implies we don’t know where they are and in a way we don’t because they are no longer where we need or want them to be.
Dictionary meaning of Loss; plural noun: losses – the fact or process of losing something or someone. loss of time, mislaying, misplacement, forgetting. loss of the documents” deprivation, disappearance, privation, forfeiture, diminution, erosion, reduction, depletion, “loss of earnings”
It can be just as strong and devastating when it’s a pet or any other number of reasons we have suffered a loss. The pain and grief and all those other feelings that well or surge up and overwhelm us in any circumstance is as valid and real.
“Passed away” is my preferred statement because it makes me feel like it was a gentle passing, never mind the circumstances, through the doorway from one reality to another.
The loss of a dream can be devastating too. Whenever we invest heavily in a plan or project that goes sour and we feel we have failed in some way it’s still a death and we still experience grief and perhaps despair. For some it’s irrecoverable and there’s an inability to bounce back and see that other alternatives are available and all is not lost. A truly inspiring story about dreams and never giving up is Eddie The Eagle who just wouldn’t give up. If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s worth a watch.
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been there and I know how utterly depressing it is when someone says, “Time is a healer” and all those other sweet sentiments that are well meant and come from a caring loving place. There are those that bounce back more easily than others. It doesn’t mean you cared less! It’s our personality and our programming counts for a much of how we respond. It’s what we have learned, what we were taught that helps us cope with our challenges. So, don’t give yourself a hard time, you are doing the best you can and you will get through it.
There are practical things you can do to get through a time of bereavement or loss:
My suggestions for coping with loss and grief
Talk! – When you’re ready & only you know when you are ready! Find a counselor or a therapist. There are lots of Bereavement services available if you look around. The local hospice is a good place to start. You might have to wait for a while but get your name down and keep going for as long as they let you because it’s what you need. Don’t fob yourself off with arguing that you don’t need to talk to a stranger! You’ll be amazed how helpful it can be. I really struggled with feeling like I was not “bad enough” but cried through quite a few of the sessions!
Massage or other body-work: – you need some TLC! Enjoy some tender loving care from an experienced therapist, it’s self-care! There’s so many to choose from so find someone you feel drawn too and like you can talk with.
Find Groups – It’s hard to get back out there, I know. Be a Volunteer, Walk, Play bridge or anything that’s a team sport. It will get easier once you’ve been once or twice! Depending on where you live too, what’s available, obviously but be brave and you’ll get better at it!
Learn something new! – Go to community classes or night school and do something you always wanted to do, Painting, Archery, Pottery. Play a musical instrument – the list is endless
Do things that make you feel close to them: – Some might call this morbid and I’ve had all kinds of reaction. I have a date with my loved one every week. Sunday is our day and I use the alphabet to help me choose something new each week. A = Art gallery B = Broadway in the city. C = Casino, and so on. It gives me a lot of pleasure and I enjoy these days, it helps me get through the week! I have a client that has booked sessions for many years so she can check in with her beloved. It’s been a fascinating story and one I wish we had recorded, it would make a great book! It inspired me to connect with my own love and has been a such a comfort to me.
Get a Pet: Pet’s make such a difference, they comfort us, they listen to us. Dog’s are great walking companions and give us a reason to get out if we find it difficult to be motivated. Cat’s, well a cat is a cat haha, but they do love company and they can be very affectionate and will take over your life if you let them!
EFT/Tapping: – if you can find a therapist that you feel drawn too great and it’s always better to work with someone if you can. If not there’s a ton of free stuff on line these days that are extremely helpful and I’ve used myself in the thick of things. In my own experience, there were days when I couldn’t tap for myself and I phoned a friend to help me. I did watch Brad Yates who is a master EFT practitioner on his you tube channel and tapped, he’s amazing! And I’ve tapped using my own words and methods. I needed it all! It doesn’t change things. The facts are the facts! However, it helped me through the darkest times with my feelings that were raw and sometimes dark. I can tell you I was so grateful I had this amazing tool at my disposal because I have managed to remain functional over the last year and was still able keep things going throughout. Working with a professional can often help get to the core of the issue faster and I’ve found that often, what we think is the “problem”, may not be where the wound began. I am always astounded at the results we can get in just one session and if you want
Working with a professional can often help get to the core of the issue faster and I’ve found that often, what we think is the “problem”, may not be where the wound began. I am always astounded at the results we can get in just one session and if you want make a real shift I recommend booking my package of three sessions (you save $75) and we really change how we feel about that old stuff!
Always here for you,